New Year!!

This is me before....

Well the year 2005 has been the best year of my life. I would have to say that even thought I struggled alot and it was very stressful I def had the best year and the best things happen to me. This year I hope will be the same. There are many great things to happen this year and I know that this year will be just as stressful but I hope it will also be great.

I never set new years resolutions because I never keep them but there year is a tad diffrent. I have a bridesmaid dress I have to fit into as of June 3 and I def want to be able to fit into it. The other thing is that I have to fit into by mid April and its a size six. Now you say why didnt I order a dress that fit me, well the thing is that the bust and hips will fit but the waist is an inch smaller then what I am. SOOOO that means that in the next three months I have to knock and inch off my waist of I have to alter the darn dress. :( The thing is though I have started on this new website called Sparkpeople.com which is GREAT!! It gives you alot of goals to meet and helps you with food and also plans a shopping list and exercise plan which is what I need. I am also able to chat with people that are in my boat. I know I know what you people think that I dont need to lost weight but in threee year I have put on 27 pounds that is why I have to lose weight. I want people to look at me and know why Matt is with besides my charm and great personality :) :) I am worried though that they will look at me and think why the heck is he with her. When you are married your hubby thinks your great no matter what so its hard. He also like me fat because my boobs are big so he doesnt care that I am 27 pounds bigger then I was three years ago. This year I have a motivation that DRESS!! Its a REALLY pretty dress so I want to look really good in it, I also dont want katie to look at her wedding pics and think man I should have not had liz in my line up because she looks enormouse in that dress!!! So with that said I am determined to be skinny and have muscle I want to be able to carry all the grocieries from the car because I have muscle. That is my goal. Lisa is going to call me and ask me if I have worked out each day and I know I will feel bad telling her yes when I havent and she is so darn skinny and pretty and just knowing that she is going to wear a siz 2 on her wedding day makes me want to shed these tires on my waist.

Only a few more days

Well today as I am am laying in bed I am thinking about the next few months and how I am starting something I have dreamt about my whole life. Since I was six I wanted to be a teacher. I used to tie my brother to a chair to make him my student. I would try to teach anybody anything that I knew. Teaching was in my blood. Now the day has come that I will walk into a school and they look at me as a teacher I am excited. Im not nervous about teaching but I am scared that I wont fit in, or the other teachers wont like me. That is what scares me beacuse I hate it when people dont like me. Starting tuesday I will be making a full time salary and I will be contributing to our house fund and I will be helping our family stay alive. I am so excited I can't stand it. Along with this excitment I am scared because I am worried that ten years from now I will look back and think that I never did anything spontaniouse (spelling and I am to lazy to go get my speller thing). I have always wanted to back pack in Europe, or join the peace corp. I have always wanted to go to AFrica and build a school or shelter or something to help out. I have always wanted to make a diffrence and sitting here in being a teacher and having a fmaily and a home isn;t making the diffrence that I want. I want all that I have and stil have those thing that I talked about. I want Matt to be by my side doing those things but we cant take him away from his work because that would be our income. Matt also talked about moving back to ASU and I get my masters while he gets a second bach. For awhile I thought HELL NO we have so much going for us right now. We are making good money and buying a house in five month why would we want to lose all that. Then I thought well this is the time to do something like that. This would be the only time in our life to do that. I am so confused. I want a house and a family but I am so scared that I will get all that and be upset because I got everything I wanted should I still want more? I am so confused..

Starting the new chapter...

Well on Monday I found out I passed the Praxis two. This was a test that I was so worried about because it was a 200 dollar test and it mean whether I got a job or not. My bestest also passed which made it even better because we both passed a hard test.

Well things are going great in married life. I am worried because this year is is going so great that next year things will be diffrent. I am so worried that he will stop loving me one day and I that will be it. Its hard because I want to know the future but then again I don't. Things are going so great I don't want to lose that.

Well Matt and I have been talking about getting a house and with all the talk I have really been thinking about one thing. When Matt travels what will I do while I am alone? I am so scared to be alone. With that said you could say that I am afraid of the dark. I psych myself out when the lights are out. I start to think that someone will break in and I wont hear them and they will kill me. I havent really told anyone but matt about this because I am so worried people will think that I am making this up but in all honesty im not. I am so worried that when we get a house and he has to travel someone will break in and kill me. In highschool I used to have this really bad nightmares and I wouldnt be able to sleep. What it really boils down to is that I am afraid of death. I am afraid to die. Why am I afraid to die if there is such an amazing after life? This is what scares me what if there isnt an afterlife? It hurt me to write this but I am being honest I am so scared to die because there is so many things I want to do, but death shouldnt be scary because there is an afterlife...right? I am also afraid of someone murdering me because I am scared to die? This is so hard for me to say because these things I have thought about for so long but never thought anything about it, but now that Matt and I are talking about buying a house I am so scared to be alone. When I turn the lights out at night I run into bed because I am scared someone is following me or someone is in the house trying to kill me. I dont know what to do to make this go away. My dad said to take a karate clas to learn how to defend myslef and maybe that will make me feel better. I dont know, hopefully it will get better when I have to actually do it and make myself be alone and not afraid of the dark. I dont know....

hmmm..

Well yesterday I went to spend the day and the elementary school I am working at in January. I was so excited to go in and meet all the teachers I am going to work with and all the other staff that I will be working with. After meeting the grade head for third grade I felt alot better about being there but I am still REALLY nervous. I dont want them to think I am a bad teacher because I cant be a good floater. I want them to see that I have alot to offer, but with that said I am not sure if I have alot to offer. I am worried that I wont be able to hang with these teachers because they all seem so good. For starters they dont use the math program that Wake County requires teachers to use so now I am worried because I kinda like the program, but they HATE it and I dont want to get on their bad side by defending it or even using it. All the teachers seem to know exactly what they are doing, and I am worried that I wont be able to be a good floater, I know I have to have confidence but now I am scared....

done........

Well as of two days ago I am a college graduate!! I graduated on December tenth and it was great!! I sat there with miss lisa and we just laughed and joked about our education and walked across that stage and then it was done. From my mother in law I got a dye cut machine so that I can make scrapbooks and also make letters and things for my classroom!! I cant wait to get started. This sunday I was supposed to babysitt for a student in my class and I forgot..I feel so bad because she had been planning on this for so long and then I let her down. I think that is the worst feeling, letting someone down.
I was also thinking this weekend about my personality..I wonder about how people perceive me, and how I act towards other people. I know things come out of my mouth but I dont know how they hurt other people. I dont mean for people to take the things I say in a mean way, and the sad thing is I think about how I hate that feeling I get when someone says something to me and I take it in a mean way, so I dont want anyone to feel that way from me. I also dont want people to think I am conceeded or I complain alot, but the thing is I do!! All the time, but I dont know that I do it until I have already done it. How are you supposed to stop something that you dont know you do. I also want to get along with everyone, I hate that feeling that someone doesnt like me. I think about these things alot and I dont want people to not like me or to think that I am a bad person.
Wow not working causes me to think WAY to much..I already think to much but not having anything to do causes that to happen way more!! ohwell...

depressed and happy?

Well as I sit here and write this I am sad. My dad said I was going through post pardon depression because I have met every single goal I set for myself. I am graduation college, I am married, and I have great friends. Honestly I thought I would NEVER get married and I thought it would take me longer to graduate. So as I sit here and only have two days of student teaching left I am sad because I am done. I am also VRERY HAPPY because I can call myself a third grade teacher, I can say that I am a full fledged teacher. This funny thing about these feelings is most people feel this after a wedding because you plan for so long and then its all over in one day, and others feel this after having a baby, well I didnt feel this after our wedding since there was so much I was looking foward to and I havent had a baby yet, but I am so sad its all over. I am worried that I wont be ablet to look forward to something, but I know that I have so many things I want to do and I am only 21. I cant wait till I have a house, that is the next big thing. The reason thats not a goal for me because I know it will happen and we are taking the steps to get there so its not so far fetched. I dont know, but I read a 322 page book yesterday since I have nothing to do, and I got another one to start. Oh yea petsmart wont let me come back because I was gone longer then 30 days which pissed me off because there were so many college students that leave and come back. Ohwell,I will be sitting at home for four weeks doing nothing, but I may go to charlotte for a few days to hang out with Lisa and help her paint and maybe have some MUCH NEEDED girl time!!! I love being married but I need those girls moments, and since I am 21 we could go out and just have a girls evening at a nice dinner some wine and go back and just talk hehe which I am very good at!!! well see!!

GREATEST DAY EVER!!!

Well today was GREAT!!! I was offered a third grade teaching position!!! I am now a wake county teacher!!!Wow it feels so great to say that!! I cant wait to walk in with my badge and key and actually start. Also today was my 21st birthday!! I also cant belive that I am 21. Its so hard to see how fast time goes. I am 21 and a teacher...wow I never thought I would get here. I love my life, today I thought Matt fogot my bday but he didnt I walked in the appartment and he had a dozen roses, a card with gc to books a million and a Willow Tree statue of a man and a woman holding each other, it was PERFECT!!! He is sooo good to me, I dont know what I would do without a man like him. I love everything about my life and how things are going. I have a job now so we can start saving for a house, which means I will no longer have an appartment but a real HOUSE!!! Oh I cant wait till that day we wlak through our house and say its ours!!! It has been a great great day!!!

so much fun

Well last night was so much fun!! Matt and I were sitting in the family room watching tv and we started to have a pillow fight!! I lasted I would have to say about 45 min, but we would stop when the show came back on and then start again when the commercials came on. I loved it we laughed so hard and he smiled so big and when he smiles it gives me butterflies, he gets so happy. Last night was like that and it was so much fun, even if he did kick my butt. I mean my arms are half his length and he can reach my head while I keep swinging, it was so funny!!!! I love those moments because they are the moments that make our relationship so great. I love being part of his life and being there for him.

Well another great news, I got a job interveiw for Monday morning. I cant wait I am so nervouse and its a week away. I mean what are they going to ask me, what if I dont know the answer or if I stammer? The school looks like a really good school and I would be teaching kindergarten. That is the one grade I did not want to teach, but I feel that God is calling me there for some reason and he has a reason. Also today I was able to get a library card, and its funny because I was nervouse in there because I havent been in a public library to check out books I wasnt going to use to study. It was neat and I was excited because I didnt have to pay for them. They also had all the new books in one section so I was able to see them and pick the ones out I saw at the store and wanted to read but couldnt afford. Well our couches come in three days. I cant wait but I am worried because the ferrets run around the house wherever, and I know they will want to dig in the ocuch and I will KILL them if they break, tear, or bury themselves into my new couch.

Well my once college life is coming to an end. Wow my eyes just teared up and I my stomach turned. I cant imagine this point because I have been dreaming about it for sooo long. I mean I never thought I would get here much less with all the things that I have accomplished. I have dont it all. I love my life right now, and Matt and I are talking about buying a house in June, we have been looking and we found a few that we liked. I would be a wife and a home owner. I would then soon be a mom. Wow that is something I have wanted my whole life. It will be all over in two weeks. I cant wait..

Praxis

Well tonight I am sitting here studing for this stupid test I have to take. Ok lets break this down. There are very few perfessions that you have to take a test, and pass to become that job. For example, a doctor, lawyer, and accountant. All three of those jobs makes in the upper 100,000's while teachers sit back and make 28,000. I know its a joke. This test I am taking tomorrow cost matt and I 205 to take one time. That is if I pass, I will have to pay that again when I fail. So with that said I feel that these tests should be included in out tuition so that we dont have to fron the money. I am so upset because going through school they always teach us that test are the worst kind of assessment because of all the diffrent factso, and then they go and require us to take two two hour tests and pass them. I am so mad. I know I know why they do it, and I want my children to be taught by a qualified person, but I dont want the pressure of having to pass this test. I think the reason why I am scared is because I am not a good test taker and I have not confidence whatsoever. I really hate this, and as I go through the questions, I am shocked because I dont ever remember anythng they are asking me. Ohwell what can I do. I also found out how much the superintendent makes. He walks away with over 280,000 dollars and year while us teachers dont make over 35,000 in five years. I know all the people that say that teachers arent in it for the money, but it still takes money to make the worl go round. With that said I love teaching, and I would never do anything diffrent, but its scary to see how the human race has its priorities set. Well I am off to study somemore, keep me in your prayers.

thinking about the weeks to come..

Well I was thinking today that its not long before I am done with my college life. I will be done with something that has consumed my life for so long. I mean I dreamed of going and then I got there and now I am done. I am so scared because its the last and final goal that I set for myself in highschool. Now I have to set new goals because I have finsished all the others. Lisa and I were talking about graduation. I cant wait to get up there and walk across the stage and see my family so proud of me. I want them to know that their love and support got me through the years. Its hard to belive that my next step in life is children. I want to have children so bad. We are going to wait of course, but I want that feeiling and that love of a new life. Matt and I have been married for six months now and it have been great. We have only had two huge fights since we have been married. The first one was the day after, and the second one was about two months ago. Its hard to think that it has been this great. I love being married and I cant wait for that next step in life!!

not so happy...

Well today the school called me back after a game of phone tag and they thought I wanted a T.A. position which I dont so I had to turn down their interveiw. I was kinda sad because I really wanted to say I had a job. I would be less stressed if I knew that matt and I would have money coming in. I really want to help support our family. I want to help bring food to the table and make life a little less stressful. Ohwell, matt keeps saying that there will be more openings and I know there will be but I am worried because he doesnt want me to travel very far and I wont mind as long as I have a job. I dont want to drive for thirty minutes but you know twenty minutes is ok. I dont know what will happen so just keep your prayers open for me. Well my little brother came to see me yesterday and I was so happy. I really wantd to make him a good dinner and show him I love him!! He brought his friend Jennifer with him and she was so sweet. She is going to be an art teacher, which I am so jelouse of because I am horrible in art. I really liked her though so I hope she sticks around. Well thats all for today hopefully I will hear something soon about a job.

Im soo excited!!!

Well last night matt and I went out and got new couches!!! I cant wait to have them delivered and sit in them. Our home is becoming a real home. We also went out to bed bath and beyond and used a gift certificate that we had. We were looking for a painting that goes over the bed. So we found this mirror, and when we brought it up we asked if they could take anything off becuase there were some scratches. So she took 10 percent off, and we also had a 20 percent off ticket. After she scans it she says you know the mirror is only 50.00!!Were shocked since it was priced at 100.00!! We were so excited so the total for the mirror was 38.00 and we only had to pay twenyt bucks for it. I will have a picture soon!!! That is the couches we got!!! I am soo excited!!! The are so comfortable!! I feel like we are moving along, we have been saving for these for so long!!! We have been broke for months so that we could buy these things!! I cant wait till they come!! I love them so much, and with our huge mirror they will look so great!!
We also went out and got our stockings and christmas stuff for our mantle!! I cant wait to get the mirror to put up and have my stockings up!! I know I know its so early but the thing is that I am so excited to have a home and make this our first Christmas. I also am getting all the food for Thanksgiving!! I cant belive that I am making my first turkey, I always remember Aunt Jo making food and thinking I cant wait to make my own dinner. My little brother is coming to eat with us, and I was going to ask my mother but she probably has to work!! I cant wait till he gets here to eat it because I also get to use my fine china!!

I GOT A CALL!!!

Well today I got a call back for a job interveiw!! I am so excited!! My stomach hurts because I am so nervouse about it. Its at the a school that has been rated the nations best magnet school!! I am not sure I am the best teacher for that, I still have aLOT to learn!! Oh I cant wait to call her monday to get a date set so we can meet. This makes all my dreams I have come a little closer, and I cant wait to get that first pay check because we need MONEY!!! we are trying to save and its hard becuse we are spendign our money on the house and stuff, but I cant wait!!! I called lisa after I called Matt and we were talking about all the things we could do if we were teaching the same grade. I cant wait to be able to call her and tell her all the great thigns that are happening in my classroom!! I mean as two teachers we could support each other in ways that others could not because we are doing the same thing. She knows what I deal with everyday and same goes for me. I also can say stupid things around her and not feel stupid. I cant wait to get a job so that we both are working and making money!! Life couldnt be more perfect!!!

life..

Well I am in one of those moods. I wonder what life will be like in ten years. I am so ready to get into a life that things are stable. Matt and I come home to an amazing life. We have an amazing relationship and we are better married then not. I mean we talk more now then we have ever. We love each other more then before. He worries about me and I love that even though I dont tell him. I wake each morning thinking that I couldnt live without him. I just read that book I wrote about and the wife died and all I could to was cry. I couldnt imagine my life without Matt. I really look and him and think how lucky I am. I was in my class today and I cant wait to share those moments with him that couples get to share. I love my life and the first time I can say that. I was so upset through college. I hated working and being around people that didnt have to work as much as me and seeing those people get to do those college things. It was also hard with depending on my parents because I felt that I wasnt able to be my own person. Now with matt I feel I am my own and we are together making it through this world.

Job postings

Well I just sent out three emails with my resume and cover letter. Wow my stomach is doing summer saults...I am really nervouse because I want a job so bad and I feel like I am still not sure that I have the things that it takes to be a teacher. Everyday that I spell something wrong, or have no clue about some grammer thing I feel that I have no right to teach someone. I mean I really dont know how to do somethings and how am I supposed to tell a child what to do if I cant even do it myself. I dont know, but I sent them in the hopes that I will get a job. I really want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to be that teacher students remember, and think about years later. Its hard though because I have low confidence in myself and that doesnt help make me a better teacher. So if everyone will pray that I get a call so that I can get a job.

Along with this subject I have been thinking about children. MAtt and I talked the other day about when we would want to start, and he said that we would start to try when we get a house. I started to think about all those things that I want in life and the top one was a child. I want that so bad and I want to be a mother. I read my new book last night and it was great. Nicholas Sparks of course and he had a baby in the story and I want that. I want that with Matt. Today showed me that because of how these children looked when they learned about how a solid turns into a gas. I watched them see and be so suprised. I thought about how I cant wait to have my own child and teach them all the things that I know. I cant wait!!! Just wanted to fill you in on what I was thinking!!!

After a great weekend!!

Well this weekend was great!! I got to see all the inlaws and my cousin got MARRIED!!! It was a great day!! The sun was shining and we all had a blast!! I havent been to the beach in years so it was nice. We got to spend time with the family and we were all happy because it was a wedding how could you not be happy!! Well this weekend flew, but it got be thinking about Thanksgiving and how I am making my first turkey. I can't wait, I really feel like a house wife!! I also learned something new, my friend courtney showed me this site that I can get botox injections to stop my sweating in my armpits, so I cant wait to get insurance. Well also some other great news, my bestest just bought thier first home!! I cant wait to go see it. I mean it gets me also thinking about Matt and I's first home!! I cant wait for the day that we hold two keys that lead to a place where we arent renting. Matt and I did alot of talking and he said to me that the day we move into our home, we can start trying to conceive. That made me smile so big because I want children so bad. Its hard though because people talk all the time about how young I am and all this stuff but, you know everything I have done in my people have said the same things, your to young, dont wish your life away, because what you wish for, and you know nothing has happend unless I wanted it to, and I want children. I feel in my heart God wants me to have children. I am selfish in that way that children are part of my plan. Matt and I talked about things, like we wouldnt be able to travel or things like that, but you know those things dont seem as important when I think about having children. I cant wait!! I cant wait to tell Matt that he will be a father. Those are the moments in life I live for!! Its hard though not to be jelouse of the people that already have those things. Jelousy is a hard feeling to not get rid on. I mean if I could change anything about myself it would be that emotion. I honestly feel it serves no purpose but to make me upset. I sit here and compare my life to others and I cant stop. So when Matt and I are thinking about things or wanting things its hard to not think of the poeople that have those things already. This emotion is one that I feel will only go away when I am able to fully hand it to someone that has all the control. The only thing I wonder, is why other people dont have jelousy like me? I mean I honestly cant find someone that thinks the way I do about certain things, and how is it they dont get jelouse? Ohwell like I said it wont go away until I am able to let it go!!!

sweat and fourth graders bad mix

Well today went very well. I got nervouse though, there is a teaching opening for fourt grade and I wanted to apply but then I thought about those kids and the moment I walked in they would laugh at my sweating problem. I could see them ask why my armpits are so wet, and I would turn red and then they would laugh. What would you say!! I mean my second graders pick on me but not bad and I can tell them I will turn their card and they stop, but fourth grade they are the same height as me and I just have nothing to say. I mean I really am worried about this. I wish that we had alot of money because I would have my armpit sweat glands burned out, I really hate this. If you watch Greys Anatomy you would know the episode where the womans face turns read, well the same for me I jsut sweat. Everyone knows when I am nervouse, scared, happy or just hot because I have pit stains to my bellybutton. I mean what do you do. I cant wear black everyday, but I really like fourth grade. People who dont teach would say they wont say anything, your wrong, they say them under their breath which hurts just as bad. I mean I know I shouldnt feel anything when they say that but I am human and its hard because I am embarressed because my stains. So I dont know what to do, I thought about this all day while I was teaching and my pits were hanging out for the whole world to laugh!! Ohwell I will hopefully win some money so I can go to the doctors, but there are so many other things I want to spend my money on then my armpits, but im going to be embarressed until it goes away!!!

First day!!

You know I love journals I just never remember to write in them. Well today is Tuesday and the day was GREAT!!! I mean I really had a great day at school. Kids were good and I had a great time teaching. Then I got home and the last part of my wedding pictures came in and I am so excited. It really hit me that I was married when they came in. I cant wait to give them out and show people because I really felt great that day!!! I also paid a butt load for these pictures so they better be GREAT!!! :) Well matt and I went to this Marriage Enrichment Confrence this weekend and it was GREAT!!! ( I love that word dont I). I learned so much about him and all these things I thought I knew that I didnt. We talked alot and we listned alot which is the other hard part. We were able to grow spiritually in ways that I didnt think we could grow. WE also met these two really neat people. Brad and Lauren. They were another couple there and see we stuck out because all the other couples were older. I talked and had a good time. Matt and I also renewed our vows to each other which made me cry because it was candle lit and it was amazing. We also went to four sessions that helped us learn how to fight, communicate and love each other in ways we didnt know how!!! I highly recommend this to anyone that wants to get married!!! Well I am off to be a house wife and make dinner and do homework!!! LOve you all!!