First spring break

Ok so I am home on my first teaching spring break. I love being a teacher. It is worth and the hardships because seeing those children smile makes your day. Tonight we get to go to a Hurricanes game. It is my first hockey game. I am so excited. We won these tickets from my school so I am even happier since it was free. So we went to the house place again yesterday. Matt had picked out somethings and I wanted to make sure I like them. I only changed two things. I am still in shock that we are building our first home. This is something that makes me think how lucky I am and how amazing God is. We wouldn't be here without him of course.

The next few months are going to be very busy. We have alot going on and alot of driving to do. We are going to have to really budget our money because of all the driving and gas. It is really hard since we have the SUV it EATS gas. I really wish I could get another car since this one eats gas. I really wish we could just go get one that is better with gas and Matt could have his car as well. It is really hard cause you want to have these things but you know its not easy. We def have alot but it would be the greatest site if I was able to hand matt a set of keys to his very own camaro. He gave up his camrao for us and I really would love to be able to give that back to him.

Well about two weeks ago they told me I def have a job at Millbrook. Not sure what grade yet but I def hope it is in third. The more I think about it though I wouldn't mind fourth or even fifth. I really like those ages and the kids are alot more versitile at that age. Though I did think that maybe I should go younger because that would make me a better teacher since I think it would be hard. I am not sure. I think when offered a grade I am going to have to have some soul searching time.

They called us this weekend and told us they are going to start building our house!! I am so excited I mean this is a dream come true. We go Monday afternoon for a walk around the lott to see what the builder will do.

What a weekend..

Ok so for starters I had my first breakdown at school. It was bad. I cried if front of 23 children. How embarrasing is that. I mean I couldn't stop. They way it went down was like this. So I have morning duty and that means I watch the fifth grade boys to make sure they don't push anyone and start a fight in the bathroom. So this friday morning I had duty, and one of the teachers was late. They asked if I could watch her class till she got there and I said sure, until it hit me I had duty. So now I was supposed to be in two places at one time, and now I am flustered I didnt know what to do. So in that last few min I was trying to find someone to watch my duty because I didnt want to call the office to ask them because then that would give away that this teacher was late and I didn't want her to get into trouble. So I didnt know what to do, well in the meanwhile another teacher had come up and told me I needed to watch this class and I had the wrong tone when I answered her and told her I wasnt sure if I could because I had duty. So she went and said something to this teacher when she got there. Well when I made it back from my duty she asked me what was going on. Now if you know me you know I HATE confrontaions. I mean absolutly can't stand them, I am such a people pleaser. So what was my first insticnt CRY!! Ok so now I am bawling. I mean can't stop. I don't know why. So we talked for a few more min about waht happened and then I went to the bathroom and continued to cry. I mean shoulders shuttering, snot running, and those huge puffy blood shot eyes. So then another teacher came in to ask what was going on so I explained. While the whole time I am talking all I can think about is what if I am pregnant. I mean that is why I am crying right, because NOTHING in my life would be making me cry right now. So I start to cry harder because what id I am. I mean there are NO other signs except that I was crying and I absolutly could not stop. Well I got in under control and sort of stopped it, but the moment that I stoped thinking about something I would start again. So we went on our field trip and then we got back and I left school the moment the day was over because I just wanted to come home and cry. I got home read a book and cried some more. I am fine now except I am embarrassed because I cried like a three year old. I hate myself sometimes. I really do, I am so weak at times and I can't control my emotions at all. That is true weakness.

Other then that things are ok. We went by the house sat and they have gravel and some bricks so it makes me think they may start something, but you never know they may be for the lott next to ours. I am so excited we go thursday to finally sign the paperwork on all the things we picked on.

School is going ok. I really want this summer school job!! everyone pray for me because it would be the most ideal job. That would give me the oppurtunity to have a month to get ready but it would also get me the money I eneded. Matt and I talked this weekend and we worked it out with my paychecks that I we would be able to have the two mortgage payements for the summer if we saved the rest of my paychecks the whole year. That really took a load off my mind since we wouldn't have to worry abou that.

Its so weird because never in my life have I ever looked forward to going to church. The last few weeks I look forward to the weekend for the main reason of church. I really can't wait to go. I love everyone that goes and I love the church. It really makes my heart fee great, which makes me kow that God is working inside me. I can feel it which is something I have never felt before. I listen to the sermons on Sundays and they touch me. They make me think about life and my relationship with God. How amazing is GOD!! I really thought people who talked about God and who showed people their faith were wierd people. I never wanted to be like that because they made me uncomfrotable because they showed me what I wanted to be and I thought I could never be like that. I mean it scared me because I wasn't like that. I was afraid to feel that because that isn't how you act I thought. Its so weird. Well I have alot of people on my side and the biggest of them all is God and we are taking our steps but I know him so much better now and my relationship with him is amazing!!

My head is so hard to be in...

Ok so here I am sitting on the couch in a funk. Today I just couldn't get my gears rolling. I know for starters that my weight isn't where I want it to be. Also I am tired and I want my own darn classroom. The reason is because those days where I feel low and don't really want to be at my fullest I can't take a break since I only see each class every six days and that means that when I am in your room I need to really be up because I got to get my lessons taught, I also don't want to look like a slacker which I would hate for people to think of me.

Well this weekend I thought alot about our future children and the school they would attend. A friend said to make sure and not get ahead of God which to be honest I had never thought about. I know that is sad, but till recently God wasn't the biggest thing in my life, which I know doesn't make me a good person, but I am learning. So I thought about her comment which was so true, but its hard because I feel I was crapped out of a good education because I didn't have alot of support at home. No one pushed me and I needed that cause I just gave up and I want my children to be pushed and be accomplished. I want them to know that I want to be part of their life. I am also going through the whole religion thing with my children. I want them to grow up with faith and their heart given to God. I want them to know him like I do now. I want them to be able to turn to him when their lives are low because they will be at times.

Like I said above I am in a funk. I hope and pray its not this new BC because I really dont know what I would do if I had to get off it. This weekend I started to feel the funk coming on and so I really am worried that it might be. This is very similar to the way I was when I was on bc before. Pray that its not and I am just feeling fat.

Well bad news, we had to spend the money we had planned for our one year annv on our stupid car. It had a master cylinder crack which meant that I was leaking break fluid and so we spent close to 4oo to fix it, which that would have gone to a weekend getaway with the hubby. I am sad because this was our first annv. We wont have another one, and I know its not about the vacation or whatever, it should be about us and how we have made it through this year that many people say is the hardest, but I feel like that weekend getaway would have rejuvinated us. I dont know what we are going to do now. It really sucks, but that is life and my dearest mother would say. We do thought get blessed with a summer vacation to the beach because of Matts work. They are taking us to Myrtle beach in June and paying for EVERYTHING even gas, since matt has to attend a confrence, so that will be nice.

Well the house hasn't been started. I know I know, they told us this would happen but it hard to not want this to get done. It is a catch 22 though because the longer it take to get done the more moeny we will have in savings. The other thing is that we will get through the summer that I wont be making any money in, and not have to make a payment.

We went to the design center and picked everything out and I am so excited!!! I got everything that I wanted and more. Even though we are spending a little more then we want its still better because its under the house and we wont have to lose our cash. We are still going to put hardwoods in the dining room and foyer. I almost dont want to tell anyone the details and wait till they walk through the front door. I am not good with keeping things in, which can be shown with my wedding dress...everyone saw it before I even wore it :) but I want everyone to come in and be shocked!!

What a thought....

Well last Sunday our pastor preached about whether you were ready to go to heaven or not. The sermon was called "Heaven can't wait..." I started to think about this all week which is why he had the sermon was to make people think. I just started to think about whether I was ready or not. I started to think about if I died tomorrow would I be ready. Then that starts to make me think that if I can't answer that with a convicted yes then am I really a Christian. I mean come on if you are Christian you should be able to say yes to that question without hesitation because you know that heaven is way better then here. The thing is that saying yes scares me. I mean there is so much I wan to do on earth which then makes me selfish because I don't want to go to heaven. Wow, this is scary to think about because I want to go to heaven and see God and be there but I also want to be here to do those things that I have always wanted to do. I am so scared because then that makes me think about not being a Christian. I mean if I don't want to go to heaven now then im not a Christian and not being a Christian means I am going to hell. Am I only a Christian because I want to go to heaven? I want to say no I am a Christian because I believe that God gave his only son to die for my sins and that he is in my heart. I start to think about all that I know and all the things that I have been taught. I would say that I have a relationship with God but what if I am wrong. What if the relationship that I have with God is not the type of relationship he wants with me. I pray and I started a prayer group that I am learning about the bible and learning about the relationship he wants with me but have I been saved? I don;t know. I don't know what that feels like. Like when someone asks do you love someone and how do you know? And you answer you just do, well how do you know if you have been saved? You accept God as your Lord and personal savior. What does that mean, I mean I could say yes I do, but do I really, or in my mind and I just saying that. This is so hard. I guess its supposed to because only God knows, and so he wants you to be able to truly be able to be a follower. So this week there has been alot of thoughts running through my mind, and I know that they only way to work through this is to give it to God and to let him guide me. I need to pray about this and I need to listen to his word and I need to read his word because I know that is the only way I am going to be able to work through this but I just wanted to let this out in case anyone else thought about this.