New Year!!

This is me before....

Well the year 2005 has been the best year of my life. I would have to say that even thought I struggled alot and it was very stressful I def had the best year and the best things happen to me. This year I hope will be the same. There are many great things to happen this year and I know that this year will be just as stressful but I hope it will also be great.

I never set new years resolutions because I never keep them but there year is a tad diffrent. I have a bridesmaid dress I have to fit into as of June 3 and I def want to be able to fit into it. The other thing is that I have to fit into by mid April and its a size six. Now you say why didnt I order a dress that fit me, well the thing is that the bust and hips will fit but the waist is an inch smaller then what I am. SOOOO that means that in the next three months I have to knock and inch off my waist of I have to alter the darn dress. :( The thing is though I have started on this new website called Sparkpeople.com which is GREAT!! It gives you alot of goals to meet and helps you with food and also plans a shopping list and exercise plan which is what I need. I am also able to chat with people that are in my boat. I know I know what you people think that I dont need to lost weight but in threee year I have put on 27 pounds that is why I have to lose weight. I want people to look at me and know why Matt is with besides my charm and great personality :) :) I am worried though that they will look at me and think why the heck is he with her. When you are married your hubby thinks your great no matter what so its hard. He also like me fat because my boobs are big so he doesnt care that I am 27 pounds bigger then I was three years ago. This year I have a motivation that DRESS!! Its a REALLY pretty dress so I want to look really good in it, I also dont want katie to look at her wedding pics and think man I should have not had liz in my line up because she looks enormouse in that dress!!! So with that said I am determined to be skinny and have muscle I want to be able to carry all the grocieries from the car because I have muscle. That is my goal. Lisa is going to call me and ask me if I have worked out each day and I know I will feel bad telling her yes when I havent and she is so darn skinny and pretty and just knowing that she is going to wear a siz 2 on her wedding day makes me want to shed these tires on my waist.

Only a few more days

Well today as I am am laying in bed I am thinking about the next few months and how I am starting something I have dreamt about my whole life. Since I was six I wanted to be a teacher. I used to tie my brother to a chair to make him my student. I would try to teach anybody anything that I knew. Teaching was in my blood. Now the day has come that I will walk into a school and they look at me as a teacher I am excited. Im not nervous about teaching but I am scared that I wont fit in, or the other teachers wont like me. That is what scares me beacuse I hate it when people dont like me. Starting tuesday I will be making a full time salary and I will be contributing to our house fund and I will be helping our family stay alive. I am so excited I can't stand it. Along with this excitment I am scared because I am worried that ten years from now I will look back and think that I never did anything spontaniouse (spelling and I am to lazy to go get my speller thing). I have always wanted to back pack in Europe, or join the peace corp. I have always wanted to go to AFrica and build a school or shelter or something to help out. I have always wanted to make a diffrence and sitting here in being a teacher and having a fmaily and a home isn;t making the diffrence that I want. I want all that I have and stil have those thing that I talked about. I want Matt to be by my side doing those things but we cant take him away from his work because that would be our income. Matt also talked about moving back to ASU and I get my masters while he gets a second bach. For awhile I thought HELL NO we have so much going for us right now. We are making good money and buying a house in five month why would we want to lose all that. Then I thought well this is the time to do something like that. This would be the only time in our life to do that. I am so confused. I want a house and a family but I am so scared that I will get all that and be upset because I got everything I wanted should I still want more? I am so confused..

Starting the new chapter...

Well on Monday I found out I passed the Praxis two. This was a test that I was so worried about because it was a 200 dollar test and it mean whether I got a job or not. My bestest also passed which made it even better because we both passed a hard test.

Well things are going great in married life. I am worried because this year is is going so great that next year things will be diffrent. I am so worried that he will stop loving me one day and I that will be it. Its hard because I want to know the future but then again I don't. Things are going so great I don't want to lose that.

Well Matt and I have been talking about getting a house and with all the talk I have really been thinking about one thing. When Matt travels what will I do while I am alone? I am so scared to be alone. With that said you could say that I am afraid of the dark. I psych myself out when the lights are out. I start to think that someone will break in and I wont hear them and they will kill me. I havent really told anyone but matt about this because I am so worried people will think that I am making this up but in all honesty im not. I am so worried that when we get a house and he has to travel someone will break in and kill me. In highschool I used to have this really bad nightmares and I wouldnt be able to sleep. What it really boils down to is that I am afraid of death. I am afraid to die. Why am I afraid to die if there is such an amazing after life? This is what scares me what if there isnt an afterlife? It hurt me to write this but I am being honest I am so scared to die because there is so many things I want to do, but death shouldnt be scary because there is an afterlife...right? I am also afraid of someone murdering me because I am scared to die? This is so hard for me to say because these things I have thought about for so long but never thought anything about it, but now that Matt and I are talking about buying a house I am so scared to be alone. When I turn the lights out at night I run into bed because I am scared someone is following me or someone is in the house trying to kill me. I dont know what to do to make this go away. My dad said to take a karate clas to learn how to defend myslef and maybe that will make me feel better. I dont know, hopefully it will get better when I have to actually do it and make myself be alone and not afraid of the dark. I dont know....

hmmm..

Well yesterday I went to spend the day and the elementary school I am working at in January. I was so excited to go in and meet all the teachers I am going to work with and all the other staff that I will be working with. After meeting the grade head for third grade I felt alot better about being there but I am still REALLY nervous. I dont want them to think I am a bad teacher because I cant be a good floater. I want them to see that I have alot to offer, but with that said I am not sure if I have alot to offer. I am worried that I wont be able to hang with these teachers because they all seem so good. For starters they dont use the math program that Wake County requires teachers to use so now I am worried because I kinda like the program, but they HATE it and I dont want to get on their bad side by defending it or even using it. All the teachers seem to know exactly what they are doing, and I am worried that I wont be able to be a good floater, I know I have to have confidence but now I am scared....

done........

Well as of two days ago I am a college graduate!! I graduated on December tenth and it was great!! I sat there with miss lisa and we just laughed and joked about our education and walked across that stage and then it was done. From my mother in law I got a dye cut machine so that I can make scrapbooks and also make letters and things for my classroom!! I cant wait to get started. This sunday I was supposed to babysitt for a student in my class and I forgot..I feel so bad because she had been planning on this for so long and then I let her down. I think that is the worst feeling, letting someone down.
I was also thinking this weekend about my personality..I wonder about how people perceive me, and how I act towards other people. I know things come out of my mouth but I dont know how they hurt other people. I dont mean for people to take the things I say in a mean way, and the sad thing is I think about how I hate that feeling I get when someone says something to me and I take it in a mean way, so I dont want anyone to feel that way from me. I also dont want people to think I am conceeded or I complain alot, but the thing is I do!! All the time, but I dont know that I do it until I have already done it. How are you supposed to stop something that you dont know you do. I also want to get along with everyone, I hate that feeling that someone doesnt like me. I think about these things alot and I dont want people to not like me or to think that I am a bad person.
Wow not working causes me to think WAY to much..I already think to much but not having anything to do causes that to happen way more!! ohwell...

depressed and happy?

Well as I sit here and write this I am sad. My dad said I was going through post pardon depression because I have met every single goal I set for myself. I am graduation college, I am married, and I have great friends. Honestly I thought I would NEVER get married and I thought it would take me longer to graduate. So as I sit here and only have two days of student teaching left I am sad because I am done. I am also VRERY HAPPY because I can call myself a third grade teacher, I can say that I am a full fledged teacher. This funny thing about these feelings is most people feel this after a wedding because you plan for so long and then its all over in one day, and others feel this after having a baby, well I didnt feel this after our wedding since there was so much I was looking foward to and I havent had a baby yet, but I am so sad its all over. I am worried that I wont be ablet to look forward to something, but I know that I have so many things I want to do and I am only 21. I cant wait till I have a house, that is the next big thing. The reason thats not a goal for me because I know it will happen and we are taking the steps to get there so its not so far fetched. I dont know, but I read a 322 page book yesterday since I have nothing to do, and I got another one to start. Oh yea petsmart wont let me come back because I was gone longer then 30 days which pissed me off because there were so many college students that leave and come back. Ohwell,I will be sitting at home for four weeks doing nothing, but I may go to charlotte for a few days to hang out with Lisa and help her paint and maybe have some MUCH NEEDED girl time!!! I love being married but I need those girls moments, and since I am 21 we could go out and just have a girls evening at a nice dinner some wine and go back and just talk hehe which I am very good at!!! well see!!