Breastfeeding is HARD work! (may be TMI)

So I do have to say that having a baby is NOTHING like the movies makes it out to be!I mean I knew that it was all fictional but even the reality TV shows that show births and things leave out so many things you don't get a good sense of how hard things can be.

The one thing I never thought about was breastfeeding. I would always see women do it and nothing seemed difficult about it. I have heard stories of women and know women who can't because of their milk supply, or something is wrong with their nipples and things but as far as women who are successfull they don't ever share how hard it can be.

My milk took a full five days to come in which was abnormal says the books. So I was worried I wasn't going to be able to. When it came in Tilley had a great latch and everything seemed great! I was getting the hang of things but it still seemed to disjointed.

Trying to get a schedule and learn his cues and be able to figure out if he was really hungry or just wanted to suck on a paci. Then when he was feeding trying to keep him awake enough to eat, or to make sure that he had a clean diaper before we started because he wouldn't eat if he was dirty. Making sure that I burped him in between or he wouldn't sleep afterwords.

The act of breastfeeding is easy and such an amazing gift a mother can give their child, but with everything else that goes on, it can be really hard. It is also a double edged sword because you are the soul person he relys on which is such an amazing feeling but also a feeling of overwhelment because you ARE the only person that can feed him.

These are the emotions that no one tells you before the baby comes. As a new mom I want what anyone else does for their child, the best, but that is such a daunting task. You read so much, you hear so much, you see so much, it can be so overwhelming to weed through it all and find what works best for you!

I know is 9 days I can't screw him up so bad that we can't return to a norm but I am still scared that if I make the wrong decision on something there is no turning back.

Didn't mean for this post to be so gloomy, but I sit here and watch him sleep in his swing and think about his future and what I want for him! Being a mom is so amazing but also so overwhelming at times!

One Week Old!! Holey COW!!!

So Tillman has readched the one week mark! (ok he did this saturday, little late on the post but I have been busy :)) He is such a ham! We have loved every moment of it. Here are some things we have learned!

*he always smiles after he poos :) must feel good
*he loves to lay on his belly and sleep on your chest
*he loves any heartbeat white noise machine
*he loves to eat, he eats from both breasts every meal! He loves him some milk (takes after his daddy!)
*he sneezes a lot and he sounds so cute
*eats every 2-3 hours
*HATES his diaper changed...screams BLOODY murder!
*he loves to suck his fingers...he almost can fit his fist in his mouth
*he makes noises when he breathes...we were worried at first but the ped. says everything is ok
*he has blonde hair but it seems to have a slight redish tint to it, Matt doesn't see it but I do! :)
*He hates to sleep on his back...he only wants to be sitting slightly up or held...this worries me because I don't want to start a bad habbit.
*He can blow out a diaper man!! My sons pipes work SUPER!
*he loves his swing which is nice but again I don't want to start a bad habbit!
*He is back up to 9.6 which makes me so happy!
*He loves his mommy and daddy so very much, and we love him to the moon and back!

Here are some pictures that I took to show how big he is. As you can tell momma couldn't move fast enough and he was in no mood for a photo shoot!

Day 9....still going strong sort of

Well it still amazes me that he is 9 days old. I really still can't believe that he was born 9 days ago. We have started to get into a small routine. (If I have learned anything in 9 days is babies don't stick to a routine for long.) Right now we are going 2-3 hours between feedings. We are eating from both boobs which is good because it is bringing in my supply for both boobs. He really loves to eat and now that my milk is in (5 days later) he seems to do really well. Being a FTM I have learned many things, but the biggest most helpful thing is to stop reading stuff. I was so worried about my milk because everything said 2-3 days...it took 5. If I stressed enough about it, it may have never come in. Now day 9 we are doing great. He is back up to his birth weight which makes me happy. Another thing is the eating every 2-3 hours rule. When I read that I started to write down times and when he would get fussy I would do everything but nurse because it hadn't been two hours, well let me tell you, newborns always win! Yesterday I felt like a human cow, he seemed to nurse every hour. Today it is back to 2-3 hours. I think a growth spurt was hitting.

I am doing great as recovery goes. I feel better, and my stiches are healing really well. Still can't drive because of the narcotics I am on but that is ok, don't have really anywhere to go. Tilley is so beautiful I just love sitting and watching him. I have lost 20 pounds since he was born which is really nice. The fastest 20 pounds I have ever lost!! Only 14 more to go (no I am not dieting or trying to lose the weight...that 20 pounds was all the baby "gunk" that comes with pregnancy. I am eating lots of food and taking care of myself...no worries!) I have had many great meals brought over or made for us so that has been really nice.

So the past nine days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. When I thought my milk wouldn't come in I cried, when I look at him while he sleeps I cry, when Matt comes and hugs me and tells me I am a great momma I cry. It is fully how wacked out your hormones are at this point. Also as a parent there are so many decisions you have to make and you want to make sure they are the right ones. For example the sleeping issue. We read "Becoming Babywise" which was really helpful and we learned a lot but that doesn't really start till week 2 or 3. Right now we are just getting to know each other and figuring out each others needs. Well his sleeping has been a little wierd. The first few nights he slept fine in the bassenette or pack n play. I made a very conciouse effort to lay him in his crib after eating because I didn't want him to get used to sleeping in my arms. Then one day he just didn't want to sleep on his back in his crib. So now he has to be in my arms at night or in his swing. I am at a fork in the road because I don't want him to get used to sleeping this way but when it is 2am in the mornig...you just want him to sleep. So now we are trying each time to lay him down and then when he fusses to let him sit for a minute and then I pick him up. He wants to sleep in my arms or on a pillow right beside me. It is stressful because I really don't sleep but he does. Being a parent you encounter so many decisions that you want to make the right one but you aren't sure what is the right one.

Well this is just a quick update, hopefully tomorrow I will post some more pictures!

Super Duper Friends!!

Well we came home from the hospital Monday and my dear friend Lisa came to stay with us Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! She was such a blessing! Man did we need her. She and I have been friends for years and she is one of those friends that I feel very comfortable with! I am naturally not a modest person but with Lisa I hold nothing back. Since I came home with a nasty tear and couldn't do a whole lot. Lisa came to the rescue!! She cooked TWO amazing meals, did laundry, help with Tilley, talked to me while I was using my sitz bath, kept Matt company when I was sleeping, took care of Stella, did errands for us, and was just there for support when I had my crying epasoids! She was such a blessing and I know we couldn't have done these three days without her!! The sadest part though is I am a lame friend and never took a pitcure of her with Tillman. She did however capture a moment of the week that sums it all up! This picture shows me with my granny panties that the hospital gave me to wear, my shirt pulled up because I just finished nursing and my pregnancy butt (which is HUGE by the way) in the air after laying Tilley in his swing!! Needless to say Lisa was amazing and our friendship grew leaps and bounds this week and I appreciate everything she did!!

Cute little video

Just a cute little video!

Only days old...and already the love of my life! (gets a little personal so consider yourself warned :))

First sponge bath

First carseat ride!! Mom was a little worried, but dad drove really safe!!

Going home outfit, waiting for Dad to pull around

Holding dads hand, he is so in love with his daddy!

What I looked like the day before Tilley was born

Well all I can say is wow!! How can you love someone so much you only met 6 days ago! Well Tilley is just an amazing addition to our family!! Matt is just as in love with him as I am!! Even though we are running on fumes we are loving every moment!

Well the first few days have ben up and down. Tuesday we went to the ped. and he had lost 1 pound and 2 ounces from birth. They were worried about that since he was so big at birth. So we started to supplement with formula. I was worried and refused to use a bottle so the doctor gave me this neat contraption. It was a syringe that was hooked to a small tube. You filled the syringe and then laid the tube on my nipple. So when he nurses he still gets the colostrum from me and still helps stimulate my breast for my milk to come up but he also gets the formula so that he won't starve. At the ped. office he downed an ounce of food in a minute! It was CRAZY! So we went home that day with this contraption, fed the boy and he was happy. Then we went back tot he ped. the next day and he had gained 6 ounces!! They were very pleased. My milk had just started coming in that day so they wanted me to still sup. a little but do mostly just my milk.

That night was the worst night so far. He could poo for the life of him. With all the formula he had drank his body didn't know what to do with it. He went from having nothing to having tons! So that night he wanted to be held but all he did was cry! Needless to say we were up all night! No one slept except Stella. Then around 3 am he took the biggest loudest poo ever!! Matt and I just laughed and I cried! MAN IT STUNK!!! So then he nursed again and slept for two straight hours!! So did mom, dad had to work! After that poo he has been regular since and he has only had breast milk so that is really a blessing! It is hard seeing your child in pain and there isn't anything you can do!

So now we are on day 6 and things seem to be getting better. He is eating and then sleeping for 2 hours. This is a good routine for us right now so lets hope it continues.

Here are some pictures from the last few days! ENJOY!!

Reader Beware You're in for a Scare!! (labor story)

Well if you don't know already Tillman Alexander has made his way into the world!! I do have to say being a mom trumps everything. I can't describe it to someone who hasn't had a baby yet because these feelings can't be described in words. Tillman has made my heart complete and has filled me with so much it is undescribable. We are a family now and this feels like an out of body expeirience. I still look at him and can't believe he is mine. I walk by a mirror and stop because I just look at this little guy and know that I have created such an amazing thing.

Well I am not a modest person so this post will probably gross many out or will make you look at me in a different light if you aren't very close to me but I want to remember this day forever! I also want to share because it was hard work and I want people to know that I will do anything for my son. ;) So here is the story of Tillman Alexander.

We checked in the hospital at 5:00 pm. We were hooked up to Pitocin by 6:30 and he broke my water then as well. I progressed super and then around 9 pm contractions were back to back every minute and so I asked for the epidural. That was the best thing ever!! I really felt great but the epidural stopped my contractions so she stopped the pitocin to see if starting me on it a little later would kick start them again. So around 12:00 she checked me and I was 7cm which means my body was contracting on its own. So we kept going and around 1:30ish the epidural stopped working on my left side. I could feel every contraction on the left side. It was intense!!! Then finally around 3:00 she checked me and I was 10cm. We started to push and everything was going well. Then around 4:45 we realized Tilley wasn't going to move any farther..so the nurse called the doctor in and we talked options. I asked him to try the vacum first. So we contracted and he tried but it kept coming off his head. Then we had to decide should I get an episiotomy or a c section. I opted for the epis. which he shared with me would be a level 4. Not to sound graphic but they call this a vaginal c-section because they cut all the way straight down. After he cut I pushed some more with no luck. So the last step before a c-section was forceps. My doctor was older and he assured me that he had a lot of expierience with forceps so it would be ok. I was determined to get him out so with all my might I pushed one good last push and with the forceps Tilley entered the world at 5:13 am. He was plopped on my chest and the first thought I had was OMG he is a heavy baby!!! The second thought was OMG he looks just like Matt!:) So needless to say they swooped him off my chest and took him to the warmer where the NICU checked him out since he had the forceps. Then Matt held him the entired hour that they stitched me up! He had to really work to get all the tears that this little guy did to me stitched up. After an hour or stitching they handed me my son and I just lost it. It was one of those moments in life where I was so overwhelmed with love and other emotions that I just felt like I was floating!! He was so beautiful and perfect!! He didn't cry when they were taking care of him and I kept asking is he ok is he ok!!

Even though his birth story is a gory one I would do it ten million times over as long as he ends in my arms!! We have such a happy baby who loves life. He doesn't cry and he loves to look around the room and see all of us. I am so in love!!!

One more day of just ME! Tomorrow I become an US!

It is such an odd feeling sitting here on the couch thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the day I am no longer just a ME but an US! Tomorrow I become a MOM! I sit here thinking about all the emotions and the rollercoaster that I will experience tomorrow and I get gitty! When people ask about me after tomorrow they will always include Tillman in that question. When people think about Matt and I they will think of us as a family of three. Tomorrow my husband and I reach a new level of love I hear! Tomorrow my husband becomes the father of my son! Tomorrow my son will be born! Can you belive it? I can't!!!! I am so amazed right now I can't get my thoughts together to get anything done. I am just sitting here feeling him move around and think about tomorrow I get to kiss those toes, tomorrow I get to count those fingers, tomorrow I get to hold this baby that is ALL mine! (Matt laughed and said he would remind me that he is ALL mine when he has a poopy diaper or crying at 3am in the morning;) ) I am so excited about having my family and friends around me to celebrate this little life that is coming into the world! I can't wait to call everyone after he is born and share his story! I have waited for this day for nine months, but in my heart really my whole life. I truely belive that this is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for.

Well Matt and I are struggling with something. Rex only allows three people in the room. Matt is number one, my mom is number two and then the third spot we were going to leave vacant since we couldn't choose between all of our family. Then as we thought more about this day we really wanted someone there to JUST take pictures. Someone who will caputre this whole day and will just stand back to video tape and take pictures of us and Tillman in those most memorable moments. So we thought and thought about who could do this and we both felt comfortable with Matt's sister Katie. We asked and she was honored to be there. We were elated and ready to go for Friday. Well yesterday she was sharing with her dad about being in the room to take pictures and he told her that Matt's mom was planning on being in the room. So now you can see what we are dealing with. We don't have another spot, but Katie's spot is elective so really she could be in the room but Matt and I both know that Paulette isn't really someone who can run a digital camera. We are torn!! We know she is sad she can't be there because Matt called her last night but we don't know what else to do! I know in the scheme of things this really isn't that big of a deal, but I know that having her in there may be a tad bit overwhelming. Matt and I decided that when we check in tomorrow we are going to ask and see if they would make an exception for his mom and if they will we will let her stay, but if not then she can come in right after he is born. So hopefully tomorrow goes well! :)

Tomorrow I am not longer just ME but US!

Overcooked!

I was never a very good cook. I do have to say through the four years of marriage I def. got better. :) Well my not so great chef skills must be passed to my son since he is now overcooked! :)

We went yesterday and stripped membranes and set an induction date. With that date came relaxation I haven't felt in weeks. I was able to think about other things yesterday and to be honest I was excited about being pregnant again. I was able to sit on the couch and just feel him move around and not feel resentment for him being inside and not outside. Ironicly this probably isn't helping getting him out before Friday since I didn't have a single contraction yesterday.

Well this blog has always been a place to share my thoughts and this is one of them I feel I need to share. Since I am so relaxed my brain has started to think about other things. Matt and I have been talking a lot lately about Tillman's name. Now I know this is going to prompt many people to want to leave advice or oppinions but with hormones I don't know how much I can handle so be nice. We decided around Christmas time to name our son Tillman Riddle. That is Matt's full grandpa's name. He really wanted the full name and so we set that as his name. I was ok with it but I always felt that Tillman wouldn't have a more commone name to use if he ever wanted to be called something else. I also felt a little sad because I didn't have input on the name. As months went by I didn't think about it and fell in love with the name Tillman. He is my little Tilley and that will never change. Well Matt kept asking was I ok with Riddle. Every time I would share with him about how I felt that he needed a name that was more common incase he wanted to use it as he was older. Matt's dad is Tillman Dale which allows for him to be called Dale instead of Tillman. So this prompted us to talk a lot latley about his middle name and whether or not we want to keep it Riddle. If it stays Riddle he won't have his own name, it will always be his grandpas name. I want him to have a name that is all his. We are at this crossroad that I think many parents come to because naming your child is very intense. You want to make it something great! If we were to change it now that our son is overcooked I am not sure how our family would feel. I know that in end it is our decision and I promise we will decide on his name because we love the name, not because of what we wrote on a babyshower invite or because we know our family may not agree but I want my family to love his name as well. Being that this decision was made so long ago I know it will be intense for us to change it. I am worried that my step mom has made something already with Riddle as his middle name. I know that his parents really wanted us to be sure that Riddle would be his middle name before we sent baby shower invites. I know that in the end it won't be easy. I really don't know what to do right now. It is one of the hardest things we have done so far as parents but I feel in the end if we just decide to use Riddle because it is easier then Matt and I will regret it in the end. We are going to wait and see the little guy before we decide the middle name. We may keep it Riddle in the end but I want to have the option to not keep it Riddle if we decide on something else. Our son Tillman deserves the best name in the world and I don't want to make this decision without taking the time to think long and hard on it.

Like I said this is going to open up people and I know that people will have feelings both ways but remember that I am an overcooked pregnant woman and hormones can be very violent at times.:) Be nice!

Today is my due date!!

Well I have to say that this morning I was very blue. I just couldn't shake the fact that I hadn't had him yet. I went to the doctor and he stripped my membrane which by the way didn't hurt at all. He said that some women can go into labor 24 hours later. Cross your fingers I am that woman! After he did that we talked about the plan from here and he said we could induce Friday or we could wait till Monday and set a date. I told him to go ahead Friday and then if he comes before then it will be great! I don't really want to be induced but I also can't be pregnant much longer! I really want to have this sweet boy and the more time he spends inside the less time I get with him on the outside. My summer isn't getting any longer! So having this little light at the end of the tunnel is what I think has changed my mood. I am so relaxed now and the funny thing is I haven't really had a contraction all day. (which stinks because I want them to kick in) but I think because I am not stressing over when he is coming my body has calmed down. So we shall see but I know that in the end I will get to meet my little boy by Friday!! Fingers crossed he wants to come earlier!!

One Day Away

Last night Matt and I were talking about Tillman and how we are so ready for him! We were saying that it would be so neat if he was born on his due date since that is kinda rare! Then we were talking about how this is the end of a long awaited journey!

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about how excited I am to meet this little guy but also how much this phase in my life is almost over. As a woman you think alot about being pregnant. I remember always being amazed at woman and how their body looked being pregnant. I have wanted this for so long and it is almost over. I know that my dear friends are tired of me complaining about wanting him to get here. I know that they were excited school was over so they didn't have to listen to me complain and they would all say I would miss this when it is gone. I had that feeling last night that I am sad he will be on the outside in only a few short days. The protection I give him now can only be given by me. When he is on the outside there are so many things that can get to him. This is the begining of a life that I hope will turn into an amazing young man. During pregnancy you are so excited about being pregnant and all the milestones you reach you don't have time to think about the baby when they are out in this world. Last night laying on the couch I hadn't moved from all day all I could think about was his future and raising this amazing child. I started to freak myself out about whether or not I will know what to do and will I be a good mother. Will he know how much I love him even when I get frusterated or annoyed with life? Will he be resepctful to other and love his future wife the way his father loves me? Will he treat his friends with love and compassion and still have a spice for life?

With all this complaing about wanting him out and and the constant annoyance of this belly, I am starting to wonder can I do this? This is the end of a journey but the begining of a new amazing journey! I feel like this post doesn't make any sense and it probably doesn't but I am in the mood to type and it is early on a Sunday morning.

Well we got a good phone call yesterday, Matt's mom called to say that Matt and Katie were NOT ten pounds almost 11 they were both around the 9 pound mark!! That made my day because I am so worried Tillman is going to be HUGE and I don't think I would push out a ten pound baby! Hopefully he will be around 8 pounds. That would be nice!

Well my BH contractions are getting stronger and having a lot more than normal. I also have this constant pain flooding over my abdomen which won't go away. Laura said yesterday that I have convinced myself I am not going to go into labor naturally that I won't know when I am in labor. I think she is right. There are so many different things that happen to your body how do you know when it is the true thing? Also I was thinking about this yesterday when my contractions were coming back to back, if I were to call the doctor and go into Labor and Delivery and be sent home I would be so embarrassed that I don't think I could make myself go back until he was half way out!!! We shall see...if my water broke it would make things a lot easier!!!

2 days away!

It is a very odd feeling sitting on the couch two days away from my due date. For nine straight months I sat here wishing this day would come and now it is almost here and I still haven't had this little guy. I know may FTM go a week over but my heart is starting to get sad because I want him here so bad. I know when I go Monday they will tell me I have one more week to wait and then they will induce me. I have a feeling that he is going to need some persuasion to come out. My body is doing many things to get ready but he doesn't seem to want to budge. I am also growing each week which makes these ugly stretch marks bigger and bigger. No more two piece bathing suits for me! It is also hard when everyone asks when is he coming out. It makes me want to cry. Matt keeps asking and I know he isn't doing it to be mean but I am so tired of it because I want him out just as bad as he does. It is really hard to be positive about this last part when everythin hurts, you feel fat as a cow, you can't pee without pain or eat with out pain, your feet are swollen and when you walk you feel like you have to pee with every step. The other hard part is I sweat really bad as a person. Being pregnant and these hot days it has increased a lot. Well I sweat so bad my underwear are soaked which makes you ponder the thought...did my water break! Do you know how embarrassing it would be to call your doctor and say I think my water broke and in reality you just sweated a ton. Yea so needless to say the next few days I don't think I am going to be a pleasant person to be around. I feel bad for being bitchy and my dad always taught me if you complain about something you better do something about it. I can't do anything about this which makes the complaing even worse! I really want to be positive but I think I have hit my limit. I am really glad we aren't planning on any more kids for at least 4 years!!!

Still pregnant!

So this week marks week 38. Oh Joy!! Can you hear the sarcasim in my voice. Last night was the first real time where I thought I might be in labor. As you can see I wasn't. This labor thing is so darn confusing and I wish it was cut and dry. I drank some water and went to bed and everything was ok. I really wanted it to be labor. I was so bummed when it stopped. A friend of mine gave birth today to her son and she was due a week after me. NOT FAIR! I know Tillman is very comfortable and wants to hang out some more but I really wish he would decide to make his way out! I want to hold him and see him instead of feel him and push back his kicks. My hips really want him out since they continue to look like a old home with ivy growing on it. My veins and stretch marks are making for a very neat pattern going up my sides.

This weekend I wanted to go to the pool but really didn't want to wear a bathing suit with all the veins and stretch marks going up my legs, hips and back. At least the ones on my butt you can't see. I went to lay out in the backyard and Matt was helping carry the chair downstairs and he said as we walked down "It is probably a good idea you didn't go to the pool, you don't wan to scare all those kids with your veiny butt!" Don't you just love them!

Well I am off to run a mile, do twenty jumping jacks, eat an entire pineapple and then 30 squats!! Hope this works!