What if.....??????

Ok so Matt left today for VA. The first day of a long journey. He drove up there to spend the week and then he will come back spend the weekend with Stella and I and then head back up. This day is the first day of a journey that has taken its toll and is continuing to take its toll.

I don't want to move. I said it. I don't wnat to live in va and it makes me sad to think about moving. At this point I am tired of hearing people say think positive or be excited about change, or it will be ok. I just want to sit here and pout because right now I am sad and I am in no mood to be happy about it. I want to be sad because it makes this real and make Raleigh a part of my hear. Today I went to lunch with some friends to celebrate a teachers engagement and I just sat there sad. We talked about the move and all the WHAT IFS!!! I started to get stressed and my heart sank.

The hardest damn part of this move is the million WHAT IFS???? All I can think about is what if this what if that. All that runs through this ticker of a brain is what if our house doesn't sell? What if the house doesn't sell and I can't get a job? What if we have to take a hit on the house and pay out? What if I don't have a job this summer how will we get by? What if the house doesn't sell? What if we can't move? What if my job falls through? What if they don't hire me? There are many more that run through my head and I just am sick to my stomach. I hate this!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH My heart hurts from all these what ifs. My head is filled with millions of thoughts. My thoughts have always flown through my brain but this move make it work double time. I just want answers!! At this point I don't care if we get the go ahead to move I just need it finalized. Right now if they house dones't sell we don't move. That is the number one variable in all this. We don't sell the house, we have to keep it. Which means someone has to stay which means i might work at millbrook again but that also means matt is in VA and I am not. My heart is sick because I know that our hands are tied and its all in his but its hard to just let go and hand it to God.I know we have no control and I know that he has worked it all out and he will show us as soon as we trus him but that is hard. I am not good at this.

God....please take this move and show us where we need to go. Lead us down the path that you desire for us. Please let us know what you want us to do. This move is in your hands. Our house is in your hands. Your will is our will. You have complete control and we know this. Please guide us and lead our hearts to where you wish them to fall.