Well on Monday I found out I passed the Praxis two. This was a test that I was so worried about because it was a 200 dollar test and it mean whether I got a job or not. My bestest also passed which made it even better because we both passed a hard test.
Well things are going great in married life. I am worried because this year is is going so great that next year things will be diffrent. I am so worried that he will stop loving me one day and I that will be it. Its hard because I want to know the future but then again I don't. Things are going so great I don't want to lose that.
Well Matt and I have been talking about getting a house and with all the talk I have really been thinking about one thing. When Matt travels what will I do while I am alone? I am so scared to be alone. With that said you could say that I am afraid of the dark. I psych myself out when the lights are out. I start to think that someone will break in and I wont hear them and they will kill me. I havent really told anyone but matt about this because I am so worried people will think that I am making this up but in all honesty im not. I am so worried that when we get a house and he has to travel someone will break in and kill me. In highschool I used to have this really bad nightmares and I wouldnt be able to sleep. What it really boils down to is that I am afraid of death. I am afraid to die. Why am I afraid to die if there is such an amazing after life? This is what scares me what if there isnt an afterlife? It hurt me to write this but I am being honest I am so scared to die because there is so many things I want to do, but death shouldnt be scary because there is an afterlife...right? I am also afraid of someone murdering me because I am scared to die? This is so hard for me to say because these things I have thought about for so long but never thought anything about it, but now that Matt and I are talking about buying a house I am so scared to be alone. When I turn the lights out at night I run into bed because I am scared someone is following me or someone is in the house trying to kill me. I dont know what to do to make this go away. My dad said to take a karate clas to learn how to defend myslef and maybe that will make me feel better. I dont know, hopefully it will get better when I have to actually do it and make myself be alone and not afraid of the dark. I dont know....
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