What a weekend..

Ok so for starters I had my first breakdown at school. It was bad. I cried if front of 23 children. How embarrasing is that. I mean I couldn't stop. They way it went down was like this. So I have morning duty and that means I watch the fifth grade boys to make sure they don't push anyone and start a fight in the bathroom. So this friday morning I had duty, and one of the teachers was late. They asked if I could watch her class till she got there and I said sure, until it hit me I had duty. So now I was supposed to be in two places at one time, and now I am flustered I didnt know what to do. So in that last few min I was trying to find someone to watch my duty because I didnt want to call the office to ask them because then that would give away that this teacher was late and I didn't want her to get into trouble. So I didnt know what to do, well in the meanwhile another teacher had come up and told me I needed to watch this class and I had the wrong tone when I answered her and told her I wasnt sure if I could because I had duty. So she went and said something to this teacher when she got there. Well when I made it back from my duty she asked me what was going on. Now if you know me you know I HATE confrontaions. I mean absolutly can't stand them, I am such a people pleaser. So what was my first insticnt CRY!! Ok so now I am bawling. I mean can't stop. I don't know why. So we talked for a few more min about waht happened and then I went to the bathroom and continued to cry. I mean shoulders shuttering, snot running, and those huge puffy blood shot eyes. So then another teacher came in to ask what was going on so I explained. While the whole time I am talking all I can think about is what if I am pregnant. I mean that is why I am crying right, because NOTHING in my life would be making me cry right now. So I start to cry harder because what id I am. I mean there are NO other signs except that I was crying and I absolutly could not stop. Well I got in under control and sort of stopped it, but the moment that I stoped thinking about something I would start again. So we went on our field trip and then we got back and I left school the moment the day was over because I just wanted to come home and cry. I got home read a book and cried some more. I am fine now except I am embarrassed because I cried like a three year old. I hate myself sometimes. I really do, I am so weak at times and I can't control my emotions at all. That is true weakness.

Other then that things are ok. We went by the house sat and they have gravel and some bricks so it makes me think they may start something, but you never know they may be for the lott next to ours. I am so excited we go thursday to finally sign the paperwork on all the things we picked on.

School is going ok. I really want this summer school job!! everyone pray for me because it would be the most ideal job. That would give me the oppurtunity to have a month to get ready but it would also get me the money I eneded. Matt and I talked this weekend and we worked it out with my paychecks that I we would be able to have the two mortgage payements for the summer if we saved the rest of my paychecks the whole year. That really took a load off my mind since we wouldn't have to worry abou that.

Its so weird because never in my life have I ever looked forward to going to church. The last few weeks I look forward to the weekend for the main reason of church. I really can't wait to go. I love everyone that goes and I love the church. It really makes my heart fee great, which makes me kow that God is working inside me. I can feel it which is something I have never felt before. I listen to the sermons on Sundays and they touch me. They make me think about life and my relationship with God. How amazing is GOD!! I really thought people who talked about God and who showed people their faith were wierd people. I never wanted to be like that because they made me uncomfrotable because they showed me what I wanted to be and I thought I could never be like that. I mean it scared me because I wasn't like that. I was afraid to feel that because that isn't how you act I thought. Its so weird. Well I have alot of people on my side and the biggest of them all is God and we are taking our steps but I know him so much better now and my relationship with him is amazing!!